Toddlers Are Like Parrots

Toddlers are like parrots.  You see a picture of them and think, ‘Ahh, they’re so beautiful!  I want to bring one in my house and keep it as a pet.’  That’s how they get you.  Then you get them into your once serene and clean house and they fuck that all up. 

There is shit tore up all over the place, they bite your guests (and you pretend like you are so surprised and act like they have never done that sort of thing before), the squawk from the time they see the sun in the morning until you put the towel over their cage and the end of the night.  They spill their food all over the floor.  They hear you cuss (while you’re picking up all of the shit they just threw around your floor) and they follow you around repeating the bad words. 

You can convince yourself that they are domesticated, but really you know they would be happier living out in the wild where all the other wild, loud, scary things are.  So please, if you are considering bringing a toddler or a parrot into your house, do yourself a favor and leave them at the zoo. 

 

Dinosaurs Are Taking Over My Life

I have come to the conclusion that dinosaurs have taken over my life. 

Reason 1:  About a week and a half ago, I started on the Primal/Paleo/Caveman diet.  Look it up, if you haven’t heard about it.  I have cut out all of the junk from my diet and have lost about 7lbs and a pant size already.  So technically cavemen weren’t around during the time of the dinosaur, but they were in the cartoons that I watched when I was a kid, so it totally counts.

Reason 2:  My daughter, Shylee, has become obsessed with the movie Jurassic Park.  We have watched it about seven times in the last couple of weeks.  I even have dreams about dinosaurs.  While watching Jurassic Park during the first couple of days of starting my nearly no carb diet, I realized I would fuck up a dinosaur to get to some ice cream.  I mean not a velociraptor, because they are like the strung out Lindsay Lohan's of the dinosaur world, but I would take out a pterodactyl for sure.  Also I want a triceratops to ride around the neighborhood.  I would be like, “This is neighborhood watch 10,000 motherfucka.”  That’s the diet talking. It makes me a potty mouth.

Reason 3:  My best friend, Colleen, recently went on vacation to Florida and has been drinking out of a Jurassic Park coffee cup.  I hadn’t told her that I had been watching it every single brain draining minute of my life for two weeks, but she just happened to be drinking out of it at the same time.  The most shocking part...she didn’t even invite me to Florida.  Email me if you’re interested in filling my BFF opening.

 

 

 

Reason 4:  I thought I heard a dinosaur outside my window.  It happened to be a momma fox looking for her baby, but it’s a totally understandable mistake.  Have you ever heard a panicked fox?  I was woken up at one o’clock in the morning to the freakiest sound.  At first I thought one of my kids was choking in their beds, so I flew out of bed.  By the time I got to my door I realized the sound was actually coming from out the bathroom window, so I went to the window to open it.  The sound was so freaky.  I thought, ‘What the hell is that?  Is someone strangling a turkey?  That’s ridiculous.  It must be a dinosaur strangling a turkey.  That makes more sense.’  Then to my surprise it was just a cute little fox.  If you have never heard a fox check out this video, or go to the link below if you are on a mobile device.  At the end of the video is the alarm bark, which is what I heard.  Tell me that doesn’t sound like a dinosaur strangling a turkey! 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6NuhlibHsM

 Did someone make this sign for me?

 

We're in Business

I have been writing My Ginger Riott for about 9 months now, and have had over 9,000 page views, so I thought I would add some new stuff!  I now have links to some great things that you really don't need, but should really get anyway. 

Check out the links on the right side of the page for the newest Ginger Riott endorsed merchandise! 

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Come Enjoy the Dick Waters

I’m from a small town.  People there know each other’s names, recognize each other’s vehicles, and spend time in the Dick Waters.

Well actually when I was growing up I was either swimming in a lake, a pond, or a backyard pool, but I have just recently learned a little more about the public swimming pool in the biggest town in our county.  It’s called the Dick Waters’ Pool, named after the late teacher Mr. Richard Waters.  I can’t make this up.  I mean I could, but it would be really wrong because The Dick Waters is actually located at the elementary school. 

The pool has been closed since 2009, due to reported budget constraints.  The town must be ecstatic, because no one has gotten to play in Dick Waters for years!  Talk about a drought!  It’s estimated that the pool will cost the town nearly $60,000 to run it for the summer.  As we all know,  it costs a lot to get women to come out and play in the Dick Waters.  So if you’re ever in Michigan, come out and play in the Dick Waters.  But please, keep your lips closed.  No one needs a mouth full of the Dick Waters. 

If only it were shaped like this, it would be a legend.  Well you know...if it were a little bigger. 

 

Source: Tosh.ComedyCentral.com